The Birds and the Bees
By
Claire Alcock

Strange tales of seeds and eggs; pink toys and blue toys; Mum's huge bump. From an early age children are picking up messages about sex. The ideas that form in their minds can be amusing. A friend and I were rendered helpless with laughter when, driving home from the park one afternoon with our children (then both two-and-a-half), her son was heard to say to my daughter 'My willy's got two seeds and I can give one to you if you like.' The wails that came from the back of the car informed us that, no, she jolly well did not like! It was nearly the end of a perfect friendship.

Despite being able to recall amusing anecdotes, a lot of parents are unsure of how and when to launch into a full-blown account of the birds and the bees. Will telling our children the facts of life damage their innocence or turn them into promiscuous teenagers? You may still remember the faltering attempts of your own parents as they tried to elaborate on the finer points of sexual anatomy with a three year old. My own mother was understandably horrified when, after telling my younger sister that she had begun 'inside Mummy's tummy', I responded helpfully with, 'Yeh, Mummy ate you!'

You might be tempted to think, if they haven't asked, why tell them anything? But whether we like it or not, our children will be learning about sex and forming their own, sometimes misguided theories about it from the games children play (mummies and daddies; doctors and nurses), and a combination of T.V. and magazines, so it is advisable to start being part of the process from an early stage, and especially when you begin to cotton on to some of the interesting things that are spoken of in the playground…

A mother of a six year old was concerned when her son returned from school wishing to know 'what is this word - shagging?' The question was vociferously put to his mum as she was serving Granny with a genteel cup of tea in the dining room. Dad's help was swiftly enlisted, and at bed- time that night the next stage in their son's sex education began. Advice from the Family Planning Association is that instilling a warm, accepting atmosphere at home, right from the word go, sets the scene for an open and honest approach to sex education. Warm cuddles will ensure that children grow up feeling good about themselves and their bodies. Later, at around three, when little boys and little girls begin to notice their bodies are different from each other's (and so are Mummy's and Daddy's) we can help them by answering their questions simply and truthfully. A perfect opportunity arises if a friend or family member is having a baby. Young children may be satisfied with a short response to the question 'How did it get in there?' Questions from older children might be less forthcoming, but a little probing can open up communication for them.

But try not to dive into the deep end too soon. One teacher told me of a mother whose small daughter had a new best friend at school. 'Mummy, where do I come from?' she asked innocently on the way home. Not wishing to miss a golden opportunity, the girl was treated to a fifteen- minute explanation involving parts of the body, times of the month, tubes, eggs and seeds; after which she looked blankly at her mother. 'Oh. It's just that Fiona comes from Portsmouth.'

Terminology makes for amusement. My three year old son desperately wanted to identify his nipples with the correct term, but after several confusing attempts, and not yet understanding why a lady's were bigger, he settled for the infinitely easier term: meatballs. Being a Roald Dahl fan, he was also convinced his older sister did have a Willy Wonka and no arguing to the contrary has yet convinced him.

Children may arrive at a hazy understanding of how babies are made at around the age of six to eight, but along the way, parental input is vital. Simple advice is, ask them what they know, and fill in the gaps yourself. With a little girl of, say, six or seven, this will involve some explanation of the female anatomy (try bath time), and with the age of puberty as low as nine, you'll need to get on to periods soon after. Seize each opportunity. If you're having a bad 'time of the month', explain why. Children need to see the little packets that you're stashing away in the bathroom cabinet, and you never know, with their growing understanding, you might get a bit of sympathy next month. Don't forget the boys; they need to know about periods as well - it's the natural precursor to a later explanation of contraception.

Very young children at school will follow a low-key approach to sex education under the umbrella of personal, health and social education (PHSE), with a teacher responsible for this area who can talk to you about content. To begin with they are simply learning about their bodies and how they grow; the importance of diet and exercise; what makes them happy or sad; what makes a good friend. Later, at around age ten or eleven, health education is broadened to include substance abuse, and a more specific approach to sex education, within the context of relationships, with parents being notified beforehand. Schools are generally keen to encourage close links with home, and may even be able to provide you with a pack of books and games to borrow.

So forget the stork, the birds and the bees and the fairy tale about Thumbelina who grew out of a flower. It's time to engage in a long-term, open and frank dialogue with our children about where we come from and what makes us tick. When they are faced with their own children's embarrassing questions, they'll think back with humour, and thank you for it.